Tuesday, January 1, 2013

What Happened to You?

Exactly a year ago I had oodles of people in my home over the New Year’s weekend for a religious gathering (we had an out of town group of Muslims from Brunei and many Muslim sisters in the community came to visit/learn). A local sister, whom I hadn’t seen in several months, had the audacity to ask me, “What happened to you? You got BIG!” (All while using her hands spread incredibly wide as a gesture to reinforce her question - as if there was some small chance I didn’t understand, I suppose)

Mentally, I had a few choice words lined up... What I really wanted to know was why the pot would ask the kettle such a question. However, I refrained my snarky thoughts and simply explained I gained a lot of weight from medications.

This was in part true. I did gain roughly 70 pounds after I started taking various medications for my bipolar disorder... What I didn’t admit to, however, was the medication wasn’t entirely to blame.

Yes, the medication altered my appetite drastically. I honestly could eat, and eat, and eat and never feel full. I had incredibly intense cravings. The cravings were so bad that oftentimes I just couldn’t function until I fulfilled the craving (Coke, chips, cakes/cookies, Frappuccinos, sushi, etc...) and I would go out of my way to get said craved item(s). In spite of all that - I still made the choices that resulted in the 70-pound weight gain. I could have opted for one Coke instead of drinking 3 Cokes in succession (usually on a daily basis). I could have ordered one small sushi roll instead of 3-4 gluttonous sized rolls. I could have allowed myself an ounce of chips (a serving) instead of half the bag. 

Medication became my convenient scapegoat. Sadly, however, at that time - I hadn’t been on medication in months - so I truly had no excuse for why I was still morbidly obese. I had given up on myself and continued to secretly eat and drink like a glutton in spite of the consequences.

I stewed in the pain and anger from that question for a day before literally crying on my hubster’s shoulder. He gave me a great big hug/kiss and told me he loved me and just to ignore it. I did just that - I continued to ignore the reality that I was a giant hot-mess. A month later I finally received the little spark which ignited the fire that has become my determination to lose weight and get healthy! {You can read about that here}

I have only seen her once since her offensive question - and even then, although I had lost weight - she still managed to make a fleeting comment about us both being heavy. Seriously, what is her obsession with pointing out my size?  *lots of annoyed eye rolling going on over here*

Today while I was out running I passed that Sister’s house. I was VERY tempted to stop “just to say hi.”  I was not at all interested in catching up - I just wanted to see the look on her face as I stood there 100+ pounds lighter and looking awesome, red-faced and sweaty from running- but awesome nonetheless.

Instead, I kept on running. I knew my intention wasn’t right and honestly, I have nothing to prove to her. I haven’t worked my butt off for nearly a year because of her - I did it for me! I won’t lie - I still relish the thought of us crossing paths because I look forward to that priceless look and hopefully the opposing question, “What happened to you?  You got smaller!" I doubt that's the question I'll be asked... more like, "How did you do it?"