Bipolar Doesn't Have to be a Weakness

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At the end of last year I had gone to urgent care for severe back pain.  During my exam the doctor had viewed my medical record and asked what a few of my listed prescribed medications were for.  I sheepishly admitted I had been diagnosed with Bipolar but I wasn't currently taking my medication.  She asked why not and I was too upset to answer her.  Instead, I cried and told her it was complicated.  As the doctor handed me some tissue she told me, "You know Bipolar doesn't have to be a weakness.  In fact, it can be a strength."

Honestly, I thought the doctor was just trying to be nice and supportive but didn't really know what she was talking about.  For more than a decade I've struggled with depression/anxiety/Bipolar - and never once have I thought any of these things were strengths!

Yesterday, I was visiting with my dear friend April (who I've known for 20+ years)... we were catching up with each other and we got around to talking about how I was doing mentally.  I admitted I haven't been on medication in quite some time, but for the most part I was fully functional and doing okay (not perhaps my greatest, but again, okay and functional).  I mentioned how focusing on my diet and exercise has really helped.  April said, "It's really great you're able to channel..."

I'm not really sure what she said after that because the proverbial light bulb went off inside my head.  "You know Bipolar doesn't have to be a weakness.  In fact, it can be a strength." 

The thought reverberated inside my head and I finally understood what the doctor meant!  She wasn't just trying to be nice - and she did know what she was talking about!

I {unintentionally} ultimately learned how to channel my Bipolar into a strength (focusing my attention on getting healthy - diet and exercise).  It was an awesome, eye-opening moment for me.  I no longer have to feel handicapped or limited by my illness - I'm actually empowered because of it!

FOR SALE: Parachute - Only used once, never opened, small stain

I had to write a funny title - I needed a small laugh. Today is just one of those days. I don't know what happened - it was as though the proverbial switch was flipped and I went from being content to feeling crummy.

There are people in the world right now battling terminal illnesses or severe hunger; people who are in extreme pain or in a dangerous situation... Unfortunately, however, those thoughts aren't doing to help me snap out of my miserable mood.

It's been so long I cannot remember the last time I felt depressed. Actually, now that I really think about when the bad mood started I pinpointed the trigger. I texted my sister last night about an immediate teaching position available (she's been trying to find a full time teaching position for years). I texted her again this morning to find out if she was interested and she informed me she's looking for positions in Vegas.

Admittedly, I was upset. I think she sensed it because she called and we talked about it. I completely understand and agree with all her {and her husband's} reasons for wanting to move out of state - but I don't like it.

Nothing has happened so far. I feel a bit ridiculous for having such a strong reaction. I know my sister and I don't talk all too often or hang out nearly as much as I would like to - but the thought of her moving away really bothered me. God (Allah) help me if the day comes and she actually does move - I'm going to be a wreck!

Today is supposed to be my rest day from exercise but I think I might just have to go out for a jog/walk or a bike ride to get my endorphins pumping and hopefully brighten my mood!

Where Am I At?

Ok, I know I haven't really been on track the last week or so. I didn't post my weigh-in last Friday - mainly because I was really ticked off! I weighed in and lost NOTHING... that's right - nada! How in the world can I lose nothing - especially after walking nearly 40 miles on the treadmill and eating super healthy. I was really depressed about it and so Saturday and Sunday I ate whatever I felt like eating and I did not exercise... I didn't really OVER do it - but I did eat more than I would have usually. Oh, and Sushi on Sunday was AMAZING - I swear I felt so much better afterwards... probably because I had been CRAVING it like a crazy person for more than a week.

Depression Sucks!

A week and a half ago it all started with a random panic attack... completely out of the blue and no known trigger. I took my anti-anxiety meds and all was well - or so I thought. The next couple days I could feel the depression sinking its ugly way into my life again. I called my doctor's nurse and let her know I know my doctor is on maternity leave but I needed to see someone, and soon. I was having terrible thoughts - thoughts I'd rather not admit to so openly, but rest assured they were bad!

While they couldn't get me in for two weeks, I was grateful they could get me in at all - trying to get an immediate Psych appointment at Kaiser is next to impossible. The nurse told me to continue taking the anti-anxiety meds to help control the depression as needed. So I did as I was told - and I found myself having to take the meds at least once or twice a day... I was quickly running out so I called in a refill to the pharmacy and left a message with the nurse that I needed a refill.

Where Did That Come From?

I was going about my daily routine - picking up the house, putting clothes away, etc... when all of a sudden I started having a panic attack. I have no idea where it came from or what triggered it - I wasn't doing anything I don't usually do. It just hit me and hit me hard... I went from being a normal person to a crying mess.

I was pleading with the kids to clean up, and they obliged because they probably felt sorry for me - wondering why in the world their mama was crying. Then Ilyas decided to start coloring on the walls again - which I had JUST finished cleaning the day before - I came even more unglued.

I couldn't keep functioning like that! Thankfully I remembered my doctor prescribed me special pills to take on those rare occasions when my mind goes completely haywire. They're supposed to be fast acting - so I took a few (don't worry, it was the right dose) and hoped they kicked in soon. Within about a half hour the episode was sedated - thank God!

What's ironic is I had just started thinking to myself, "I'm doing okay without my meds - maybe the exercise is really helping me." Guess I was wrong... now, if only my doctor could come back from maternity leave early!

Bipolar - What is it?

Some of you who've been keeping up with me know that I'm Bipolar. But what exactly is Bipolar?

Well, the simple explanation is that Bipolar disorder involves periods of abnormal excitability or irritability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very abrupt but can also last a long time. There are also "mixed" episodes in which features of both mania and depression are present at the same time.

I'm more prone to cycle through manic states and when I do cycle through a depressive state it gets really bad - like suicidal ideation bad and I'm not able to function - even small everyday activities are next to impossible. However, on the upside (as much of an upside as I can get anyhow) - I can fully function when I'm "manic." Unfortunately, my mania really affects my family and relationships, particularly the kids because they're with me 24/7.

Now, I'm supposed to be on medication... however, my doctor and I have been having a really hard time with medications this last year. I've experienced terrible reactions to one medication and I gained a SIGNIFICANT amount of weight (60+ pounds) from other medications. Because of that I have had to switch medications a couple times now. My most recent medication was also causing me to gain weight even with carefully watching and tracking what I ate. I stopped taking it. I just couldn't afford to gain any more weight. I'm currently on no medications and unfortunately my doctor is on maternity leave so I have to wait another two months before I can be seen again.

How exactly do I cope? Well, it's definitely easier said than done... some things act as triggers such as homeschooling Aaliyah when she's uncooperative, or trying to explain something and she just doesn't get it whatsoever, that usually sets me off. When my little triggers go off, I take a break. It's all I can do before completely "losing it" and coming unglued.

On the upside, I've been researching all my medication options - frustratingly most of the medications used to treat Bipolar also cause weight gain, and it's especially pronounced in patients who are already overweight/obese such as myself. I'm working so hard at eating healthy, controlling my portions, and exercise that I do NOT want to see it all go down the drain because some little pill I swallow everyday makes me gain weight. I'll keep you posted when I finally get in to see my doctor!

Terrible Twos

The terrible twos have officially manifested themselves in my 2 year old. Now, I've been through this twice before with my daughters, each one different from one another. My oldest had outright temper tantrums and would scream and throw herself on the floor, hit her baby sister, etc... My second daughter would cry, cry, cry, and cry some more. In fact, she's still a cry baby and she's almost 5. However, my little man has truly topped the cake with his meltdowns.

First of all, my daughters were going to spend the night with my parents. Naturally, Ilyas was mad when it was time to leave and his sisters weren't coming with us. He began screaming... he proceeded to scream almost the entire 25 minute drive back home until he screamed himself to sleep, literally. Of coarse, as soon as I parked the car at home he started up again! We went inside the house and I quickly ran to my room to change and that's when I started hearing the crashing sounds.

Little man was in a complete RAGE. He was screaming, crying, throwing himself on the floor, then picking himself up only to start throwing anything and everything in sight. By the time I came into the kitchen he had toppled all of my baking pans from the side of the refrigerator where they're kept, he threw glass baking dishes from my cabinets (thankfully, for him, nothing was broken), he threw a couple cookbook AND my LAPTOP from the kitchen counter! I was livid and I admit, I momentarily lost my cool and start screaming too!

It took another 10 minutes before he finally calmed down, ok, including me. My mother is always assuring me that I will miss these times when the kids are young - but my assurances are - I most definitely will not miss this age!

Frazzled

Today started off fairly great. I was able to workout for an hour - of course Ilyas had to cause trouble in the middle of my workout and made a mini pool out of the kitchen - so that stressed me out a little. I was able to take a shower and then run some errands. I came home, had some satisfying sushi - I even refrained from eating all of the sushi in one sitting and only ate half and saved the other half for dinner. I was proud of myself! I did have a couple extra pieces of the kid’s sushi because I couldn’t resist but overall, not bad.

I got a jump start on the laundry before it got too out of hand - then we all took a nap. I woke up a little earlier than I would have liked - but I was able to start reading a new book I checked out from the library, Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents by Christine Carter, Ph.D.

After the kids woke up from their nap things started to go a bit downhill. I started dinner and as I was busy cooking Aaliyah started nagging me for stuff. I irritatingly asked her to wait until I was finished preparing dinner but like a typical kid she wouldn’t wait and kept pestering me. In hindsight it was probably better if I just stopped what I was doing and gave her the glass of water she was asking for - but I have a VERY hard time stopping what I’m doing to do something different... I’m very focused and although I’m quite capable of multi-tasking there’s just something about being interrupted that throws me off track and frazzles me.

Now, many of you may not know this about me/my family - but we eat on the floor. We have a thick waterproof tablecloth (in Arabic we call it a “soofrah”) that we use and everything is served just as it would be on a table except we’re on the floor. After dinner came my meltdown...

The kids were still eating so I went to the kitchen to put away the leftovers. Ilyas decided to get into the plate of butter my husband had put out for the bread and he smeared the entire right side of his face with the butter. He was also a complete mess from the spaghetti and he managed to get noodles and sauce all over the floor. Between Ilyas and the messy floor I started to come unglued. I put Ilyas in the bathtub and went to go clean up the floor. I don’t know why I insisted on cleaning up the floor first - but it was not the best decision. Ilyas started playing in the toilet while I was cleaning up the spaghetti... and that’s when I lost it.

Hubby was sitting on the couch making remembrance (remembering Allah/God) and I was so mad at him for not stepping in and helping me when he could clearly see I had lost my mind. I started ranting about not being able to do everything by myself and then I proceeded to give Ilyas a much needed bath which only stoked my burning fire because he didn’t want a bath and he kept trying to escape as I washed and rinsed him.

When I was finished getting Ilyas ready I went into my room and locked the door. I was so angry I started crying. Poor Aaliyah and Halimah were talking to me through my door asking why I was crying, if I was okay... I felt loved but frustrated because I wasn’t in the right state of mind to answer them. I asked them to please let me be alone but they wouldn’t budge from the door. Eventually I stopped crying and I tried some deep breathing (a new technique I learned from this awesome book I will talk about another time). I calmed myself down and tried some thought shifting exercises. Instead of being mad at my husband for not helping me - I decided I would let him know that I need his help. I came out and calmly told my husband that when I start getting crazy like I did that I need him to help calm me down and diffuse the situation. He didn’t respond as positively as I had hoped - I think maybe he thought I was attacking him or something - but I was just genuinely trying my best to communicate what I needed from him without the need for a defensive response. Ultimately, he came around after I further explained what happens to me... I’m so focused on one thing that I can’t just instantly turn around and focus on something else and that immediate change is very difficult for me and I start to lose my composure. I need him to step in and ask me to go lay down while he takes over what needs to be done. He said he’ll be sure to do that should it happen again.

Here’s to hoping I don’t lose my mind again!

Anonymity

I understand the value and importance of anonymity. However, I don’t understand why people insist on the cowardice of hiding behind the face of anonymity to say nasty things. I distinctly remember being taught, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

If someone has something to say then just say it. If they don’t have the audacity to say something directly, making themselves known, then I honestly believe they shouldn’t masquerade their thoughts anonymously just so they can take a cheap shot and feel comfortable about it.

We’re not going to like what people have to say from time to time but that doesn’t mean we should be assaulted under the veil of anonymity.

Mama's Little "Helper"

The joys of children are oftentimes mistaken for the most frustrating moments. Ilyas is mama's little "helper." Of course his version of helping is almost always trouble and results in more work for me.

Last week I caught him putting ALL of our clean cloth diapers inside the dirty diaper pail. Then when he was finished emptying the basket he would put the basket back in its rightful place and grab another basket and continue putting all the diapers inside the pail.

There were a few diaper casualties and a few frustrating words... of course now I laugh at the thought of what he did but I wasn't so affable about it when it happened, needless to say.

How do your little one's "help" you?

Make your Spouse Happy!

When you've been married for a few years and you've grown comfortable with your spouse it's easy to fall victim of going through the motions of married life. Hubby goes to work, and if you're a stay-at-home wife/mom then you're at home working to make a life... but the golden rule for marriage is to live to make your spouse happy.

So what would make your spouse happy? This will naturally change from one man to the next - but for the most part, hubby wants to see a happy wife.

Sure, I'm positive he would appreciate the house being clean and the dinner prepared on time - but wouldn't it be more exciting to come home to a happy, smiling wife? ABSOLUTELY! The saying goes - happy wife = happy life!

I's time to break out the smiles ladies and do our best to be in a good, happy/cheerful mood when hubby comes home. I know it's rough, ESPECIALLY if you have little ones you're taking care of - but as I talked about in a previous post - making time for yourself to regroup should help give you the little boost you need to get on track. Just think of all the rewards you'll get when you make your spouse happy - it's like treating yourself!

Take a Break

Last week I hit a rough patch and I was forced to take a timeout for a few days. Honestly, it was in the break away when I realized I really have to allow myself a break everday - I have to give myself a simple amount of time for just myself. Even if only 10-15 minutes - I need time to regroup, re-energize, relax and unwind.

When you spend all day every day going a mile a minute it really does take a toll on you in more ways than one. So, here's my little break to encourage everyone to try and take a 10-15 minute break everyday just for yourself.

If you have kids, especially little kids then try to do this when your children are taking a nap (I still make my 5 and 4 year old take naps - so don't feel guilty)! Don't clean the house, wash dishes, cook or do a load of laundry - it will all be waiting for you. Take 10-15 minutes (longer if time permits) and put your feet up, have a sip of water (or juice) and just enjoy the quiet, peace/tranquility. Do a little yoga, have a cup of coffee and enjoy a few pages of a good book... just do something for yourself everyday.

I promise I'm going to do it - are you with me?

A Wee Bit Polar?

As previously mentioned in my “about me” opening – I have been formally diagnosed with a mental illness. Considering my reader base is all of about 5 people or less I feel comfortable enough to be candid, after all, being able to talk about it helps me cope.

I suffer from Bipolar Disorder. For many years I was misdiagnosed with depression, mostly because I wasn’t as forthcoming with my doctors as I should have been but thankfully I found an AMAZING doctor last year and I was able to be fully upfront with her about my symptoms, etc… I’m now on the right track to getting the help I’ve needed for years!

Although I do experience depressive episodes from time to timed I mostly cycle through manic states and I tend to be in a constant state of irritability and agitation – the smallest thing will set me over the edge! Try dealing with that and having small children where every small thing they do can drive you insane! It’s been a rough few years since having kids, that’s for sure – but in their defense it hasn’t been easy having me as a mom either!

So, this is just a little back ground on where I’m coming from mentally – so sometimes if I rant and it seems like I’ve lost touch with reality – I probably have. It takes me a little while to reconnect with planet Earth from time to time… I trust you’ll help me!

Surviving Madness

Madness, as a noun, is defined as:

• the state of being mentally ill
• extremely foolish behavior
• a state of frenzied or chaotic activity

Who I am and the life I live is exactly that! Although I’ve been formally diagnosed with a severe mental illness (which I will likely be discussing in more candid detail in future posts), I’ve been known to do (and/or say) some really foolish things. Every day I live in a constant state of organized chaos!

Between being a wife, a mom, working at home, and homeschooling - I quite literally teeter on the brink of insanity most days.

As any mom (and wife) knows - there are no days off. There is no break from being a wife and mom. You can’t call in sick if you don’t “feel like” being a wife or mom (ok, so some people decide to quit being a wife but that’s not how I deal).

This blog is my haven! My own special place where I can discuss the madness of my life; my frustrations, thoughts, creativity, goals, projects, etc... Essentially I’m just throwing it all out there in an effort to survive the madness that is me and my life!

The grass may not be greener over here - but at least I can still call it grass!