I'm Human

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret... I'm HUMAN!  



The last 4 days were rough and I ate my way through them.  :(  I haven't eaten "emotionally" in such a long time!  I kept telling myself, "STOP Serena!" but the urges were consuming my every thought.



I'm not going to pretend that...



The batch of cookies I purposely made on Friday to binge on was completely gone by Sunday (and, of that batch I ate a wee bit more than a dozen cookies)...



An entire box of Samosas and a half-box of Thin Mints were consumed between Friday and Monday (the majority being eaten yesterday, Monday, because I was out of the aforementioned cookies I made on Friday).  It should be a crime that such tiny cookies pack so many frickin' calories!  :/



I did attempt to make up for my transgressions by running 9+ miles on Saturday (my typical day off - but since I didn't exercise on Friday - I had to make up the missed day).  Actually, I ate really well on Saturday because I was atoning for my dietary fiasco on Friday.



Sunday started out great... I exercised for 97 minutes and torched nearly 1300 calories.  Sadly, however, I was terribly moody later that day (primarily because I was exhausted from not getting enough sleep) and surrendered to my little inner demon's demands for junk!



Monday was the worst of all the days.  Although I typically exercise on Monday I had two long/hard workouts on Saturday and Sunday so I decided it was in the best interest of my knees to make Monday a rest day (my knees seem to have finally recovered this past week and I wanted to make sure I didn't aggravate them again).  Of course, staying up until 4am didn't help my energy level or my mood.



I was an emotional wreck all day!  I didn't want to do anything but relax in bed and knit (I recently learned and truly enjoy knitting - but I don't have a lot of spare time to do it so I had been staying up very late for days to squeeze in time).  What I wanted and what I needed to do were at odds!  My responsibility for taking care of my family won so I forced myself to finish planning my weekly menu, go grocery shopping, prepare lunch, clean, etc... I managed to get it done, but it took me all day (we didn't have "lunch" until after 3pm)! 

I cried on and off yesterday because I felt so miserable.  I knew an hour run would have helped me feel remarkably better but I was so drained emotionally and physically I couldn't talk myself into it.  Instead, while hubby took the kids to the park, I cuddled up on the couch with a cup of almond milk, a half a box of Thin-Mints, and my knitting... 

The pleasure was fleeting, at best.  Last night I resolved to "pull it together" because I was terrified of what would happen if I continued to let myself spiral out-of-control as I had in the past.  Yes, I made some terrible decisions the last few days but that certainly didn't have to define my future.  Those decisions don't mean I'm a failure - they mean I'm human. 


I evaluated the last few days (and even the last couple months) and realized...



1.  I need to start tracking my food again.  I haven't tracked my food in a couple months and although I have continued to lose weight - my weight loss slowed down significantly after I stopped tracking.

2.  Sleep is crucial!  I am fairly certain the root cause of all this was because of accumulated sleep deprivation.  I stayed up very late several days in a row because I was so obsessed with my knitting.  My health (and sanity) is far more important! 

Just as I had to establish a strict 5-days-a-week workout commitment to myself last year when I started this journey - I now must establish a strict 10pm bedtime (although I'm going to aim for 9:30p because I wake up at 5:30a every day).  



3.  I don't believe in banning foods/food groups (the only exceptions to this rule are soda and artificial sweeteners - for me, those are banned indefinitely).  I wholeheartedly believe in "everything in moderation."  However, with that said, I also believe in using one's common sense.  If you knowingly have a "food trigger" (a food you just can't seem to control) then it's for the best to avoid it entirely, until you feel comfortable enough to have it without falling-off-the-wagon.  



For me, that means no more Chocolate Peanut Butter or Chocolate Coconut no-bake cookies!!!  I've made these cookies several times in the past 3 months (because they're extremely quick and easy) and without fail I've eaten way too many every time I've made them.   



Also, as a precaution, I'm going to give the remaining 2.5 boxes of Girl Scout cookies to the neighbors and the knitting teacher/class.  I don't typically have things like this in the house and it's in my best interest just to be rid of any possible temptations.  

I'm not saying I won't enjoy "something sweet" from time to time - but I truly find a bowl of fresh pineapple way more satisfying than a measly cookie!!!

I feel remarkably better now that I've finished confessing and evaluating my transgressions. I'm NOT going to mentally beat myself up over this weekend any more.  I've got my head up, my exercise clothes on and I'm going to sweat like a rock-star!




What Happened to You?

Exactly a year ago I had oodles of people in my home over the New Year’s weekend for a religious gathering (we had an out of town group of Muslims from Brunei and many Muslim sisters in the community came to visit/learn). A local sister, whom I hadn’t seen in several months, had the audacity to ask me, “What happened to you? You got BIG!” (All while using her hands spread incredibly wide as a gesture to reinforce her question - as if there was some small chance I didn’t understand, I suppose)

Mentally, I had a few choice words lined up... What I really wanted to know was why the pot would ask the kettle such a question. However, I refrained my snarky thoughts and simply explained I gained a lot of weight from medications.

This was in part true. I did gain roughly 70 pounds after I started taking various medications for my bipolar disorder... What I didn’t admit to, however, was the medication wasn’t entirely to blame.

Yes, the medication altered my appetite drastically. I honestly could eat, and eat, and eat and never feel full. I had incredibly intense cravings. The cravings were so bad that oftentimes I just couldn’t function until I fulfilled the craving (Coke, chips, cakes/cookies, Frappuccinos, sushi, etc...) and I would go out of my way to get said craved item(s). In spite of all that - I still made the choices that resulted in the 70-pound weight gain. I could have opted for one Coke instead of drinking 3 Cokes in succession (usually on a daily basis). I could have ordered one small sushi roll instead of 3-4 gluttonous sized rolls. I could have allowed myself an ounce of chips (a serving) instead of half the bag. 

Medication became my convenient scapegoat. Sadly, however, at that time - I hadn’t been on medication in months - so I truly had no excuse for why I was still morbidly obese. I had given up on myself and continued to secretly eat and drink like a glutton in spite of the consequences.

I stewed in the pain and anger from that question for a day before literally crying on my hubster’s shoulder. He gave me a great big hug/kiss and told me he loved me and just to ignore it. I did just that - I continued to ignore the reality that I was a giant hot-mess. A month later I finally received the little spark which ignited the fire that has become my determination to lose weight and get healthy! {You can read about that here}

I have only seen her once since her offensive question - and even then, although I had lost weight - she still managed to make a fleeting comment about us both being heavy. Seriously, what is her obsession with pointing out my size?  *lots of annoyed eye rolling going on over here*

Today while I was out running I passed that Sister’s house. I was VERY tempted to stop “just to say hi.”  I was not at all interested in catching up - I just wanted to see the look on her face as I stood there 100+ pounds lighter and looking awesome, red-faced and sweaty from running- but awesome nonetheless.

Instead, I kept on running. I knew my intention wasn’t right and honestly, I have nothing to prove to her. I haven’t worked my butt off for nearly a year because of her - I did it for me! I won’t lie - I still relish the thought of us crossing paths because I look forward to that priceless look and hopefully the opposing question, “What happened to you?  You got smaller!" I doubt that's the question I'll be asked... more like, "How did you do it?"